Going Inwards

All my life I have been hearing great sages advise me to go inwards.  Everyone says within is where all the bliss and treasures are.  To Know Thyself maybe one of the most significant explorations that life has to offer.

I have learned a lot about myself.  I know that I think a lot.  I know I am very good at solving problems.  I know that I like to be appreciated, touched, and seen.  I know that I feel shitty when I watch more than 1.5 hours of screen time or eat processed food.  I know that I sit to meditate 15-20 minutes every day and always feel a little more free and cleaner after the experience.

The other day I was training with a high senior Taoist teacher who guided me in spending about an hour repeatedly hitting my lower abdomen aka dan tien or the second chakra, while chanting “There is pressure in my head because I follow my wandering mind” or “I have anxiety because I follow my strategizing mind”.  As I repeatedly voiced what felt like the truth of my experience, suddenly I got to experientially acknowledge how much tension, heaviness, and lack of circulation got clamped into my body from my addiction to thinking.

My teacher then requested for me to look at how empty I felt inside as a consequence from all my thoughts, strategizing and attention being focused on changing and fixing things outside.  Talk about annihilation of a paradigm.  ALL of my thoughts, every single one. Whether about my girlfriend, my purpose, my to do list, my practices, my desires… all that shit was rooted in some external entity that needed to be done or manipulated or comprehended. All so that I can see or continue to see a particular external world.  Not one single thought was addressing the cold emptiness underneath.

Tyler Durden shared that “you are not your fucking khakis”.  Well, taking it one step further I am not my mind.  I am not my knowledge.  I am not my solutions.  I am not the things I think about.I probably am not even the emotion underneath that.  I have spent a long time watching these things that I am not, relishing on knowing the ins and outs of things that impact my thoughts and emotions.  In many ways it has gotten me nowhere, except to the point where I am tired of this game and now curious to let go and go deeper.